i love sundays

man- today was such a great day.

it was fast sunday, so in the Mormon church that means we don't eat or drink anything for 24 hours, with a purpose and constant prayer in our hearts. i taught this principle so many times on the mission, and today i lived what i taught. i taught people that as we take away the food from our bodies, it becomes weakened, so the spirit becomes the greater power and it leads our soul rather than the body. in this rare state, we can commune more easily with the divine and are more in tune with spiritual things. today i felt just that.

in addition to fasting, in church on the first sunday of every month the members have the chance to bear their testimonies, or state their witness of truth. man- the spirit was strong today. there was the guy that looks every ounce of football player possible who showed the emotion of a child as he talked about the all-encompassing peace that he received through a priesthood blessing, given by a loving Father in Heaven through a willing and worthy servant. there was the girl who shared an experience and taught us that Jesus walks the halls of the Temples. there was the kid who is getting ready to go on a mission so has a fire and excitement about the gospel. he highlights pretty much everything in the Book of Mormon because "it's all golden." there was the girl who thanked her visiting teacher for being so aware and so loving, and didn't know that that same visiting teacher had talked to me about her life and was feeling kind of stuck. i bet she was grateful someone noticed her efforts. she is wonderful. she should be noticed more often. there was the couple who is getting ready to be married in the temple for time and all eternity and went through the temple yesterday together, the first time for both, and felt the peace that brings us all back to that sacred place. there was that other girl who decided to study more about the Atonement and was real, saying how she expected a pop-culture self help on how to access the atonement as she studied the sacred sacrifice of our Savior Jesus Christ. she didn't find what she thought she would. it was better. so much better. she learned that as we humble ourselves and repent we become broken and palpable in the hands of our Master, Savior and Creator Jesus Christ. that is where we find access to the healing power of the Atonement. i liked that she was honest, open, and vulnerable- but that her study changed her.

then we had sunday school. we talked about alma the younger, a great character in the Book of Mormon for sure, but so much more than that. he is real. he lived. he fought against the church. the son of the prophet was attacking the believers, and succeeding. then... would i want to see an angel? do i want a heavenly visitor? i mean, once it happens there is such a Huge responsibility. the teacher, my dear davia king said that he could have been righteous, repented and gone on his merry way with his family building the church one home-teaching visit at a time and would have been saved. i beg to differ. how many people do we know of that have seen angels? can they ever go one with a normal life? look at saul-turned-paul. he was a passionately God-fearing person with the wrong map. going down the path he thought so certain to be right, fighting the early Christians in the name of truth. enter angel. what did he do from then on? oh nothing really- just was imprisoned various times, testified from shackles, was bruised, beaten, and ultimately killed for his new path- the right right path. look at Joseph Smith. did he see an angel. oh no. he saw Several. and what's more- he saw God the Father and His Son Jesus Christ. man. and what did that require of him? his life. his love. his heart. his home, and then another home, and then another, and then... his family, his freedom. but what was expected of him was expected of all around him- his open heavenly communication raised the bar for all those players in his life. his wife buried children, then buried him. his brother was so united with him and his cause of truth, the true kind, that they were united even in death. his closest friends tore his flesh as they pulled the tar and feathers bit by bit off his broken body, and then saw him stand in the front of those that inflicted such hate-bred wounds as he testified of forgiveness. does that require a lot of someone? you tell me. so alma the younger, he spent his life living up to the expectation of the heavenly messenger. he gave his life to the service of the very cause he set about destroying. and it was never easy. so when he told his son to learn wisdom in his youth, yeah to learn in his youth to keep the commandments of God, he understood the price of not obeying. and of obeying with exactness. and yearning the obedience of others so much it hurt. so do i want to see an angel? probably not. i don't know that i am ready for that responsibility. i don't know that i want to call upon those i love most to live up to it either- but what's real is i know they could. and if the Lord saw fit to call on me in that way, i hope from the insides of my heart that i would be willing to live up to his confidence. his love. his hope for me. but it would take a lot. let's be honest, it would take it all.

then- the day just gets better and better. we had Relief Society. now, the ward i attend is probably the most pigeon-holed ward that exists. "oh, you live there, i should just go then." not so much. but today we laid our insecurities on the table and i learned i'm really not that much different than anyone else (contrary to previous thought). the girl with the model body, big boobs, and a face so smooth she should be a part of a botox campaign is shy? she is scared to get to know people? serious? no, are you serious? the girl i wanted to not like so much because she seems to have everything just wanted the girls in the ward to be real and interested in one another. she wanted to bring us together. she wanted us all to just be friends. the real kind. i wanted her to fail. i want her to succeed.

do you see why i love sundays? it's the one day i have the option to put away the world and let the higher take control. it is an option. i would like to chose to more often.

this was all brought on because thursday my friend texted me: do you want to volunteer at the mtc? ummmm, do pigs fly? hello- Yes. so i went. and i felt. you see that feeling part is what i shy away from. i don't like to expose myself, so i have built up walls that seem reinforced with steel insecurities and self doubt. and when i feel, those wall have to come down. vulnerability up. ouch. but see missionaries have to feel. they have to breath, eat- if only once a day- Study the good word, and Feel. feel love. feel compassion. feel love. feel hurt. feel love. feel happy. feel love. and these 19-year-old kiddos who were born almost in the decade 1990 -yikes- reminded me how to feel. they testified of a young boy much like them, who one day went to the woods to pray. who felt confused. who felt like he lacked wisdom and would ask of God, who giveth to all men liberally and upbraideth not. then he felt attacked. he felt like he was going to abandon himself to a real evil, a force from the unseen world. then. he felt light. he felt truth. he felt intimacy with the Almighty. he felt. they felt. i felt. i remembered what i felt for almost 19 months as i taught people about this same boy. what i felt as i testified, because i knew, and i know. what i felt when i saw people change their lives. what i felt as people came to know an inner and eternal worth they never imagined. what i felt when i loved people i didn't know, because i was representing the Savior, i was authorized to feel as He feels. sometimes it hurts. he feels pain. so does Abba, Father. i felt that to have a fullness of joy does not imply an absence of pain. its a deeper pain than i knew existed. the kind that breaks your heart into a million pieces and you don't know if it will ever be whole again. but the point is i felt. i felt. i want to feel. and this scares me. but that's a step in the right direction right? i feel scared. so when these three kids taught with the spirit, and bore witness of truth something within me awakened. something i let die in the short three months i've been back. as it died, my inner peace died as well. it's back. it's all back. and i want it to stay.

so, this is me. i am a spiritual sucker. i love it. i yearn for it. i need it. i feel it. and as long as i am feeling the spirit i am feeling, and that is a good feeling. so i may listen to a lil more MoTab now. i may bust out my Livro de Mormon on campus and proudly read and highlight- even cry if necessary (Alma 14 always gets me). i may try to bring up Joseph or Jesus in normal conversations, find a way to reference a recent, or not-so-recent, conference talk as we are talking about who knows what. because if i don't that thing will die. that can't happen. it hurts not feeling. so this is me. i won't hide me anymore. i won't try to be what i think other people want me to be. or what i wish i was. i will do me. the Lord's me- which is way better than i thought i ever was or could be. the me i discovered in a beach side community in brasil, that followed me to the big city, sent me to the interior, and led me back to itself, that beach in Caraguatatuba. because that me feels. feels happy. feels complete. feels loved. feels love. feels peace. feels responsibility. feels joy. feels sorrow. i think that is the point. that me feels.

how was your sunday?