Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Recapping Bachelor

The editing this season has been really interesting. They are trying REALLY hard to make it dramatic and fuel certain fires. You can almost see the producers creating conversations, bringing people together to address certain subjects, etc. Also, knowing how the spoilers say this plays out, it has been interesting to watch how the “would-be soul mates” are portrayed.

In the past couple months, ABC filed suit against Reality Steve, the guy who broke the Jason Mesnick news and has been an all-star of a spoiler since… so that’ is going on right now – concurrent to this season airing. An interesting lens through which to watch the season.

Kacie B bothers me more and more every episode. News flash – You are on a reality show in which dozens of girls are dating the same guy. And kiss him. And you all live in the same house. And you never eat. And you drink a lot. Of alcohol. Deal…

Monday, January 2, 2012

She's baaaaaaaaaaaack

And so is the Bachelor.

Oh hello Ben. Oh hello Chris. So great to have the most dramatic rose ceremony ever and the most shocking cocktail party ever back in my life.

Disclaimer – I have read the spoilers for this season, I will be making no predictions as they would not be uninformed. I have integrity. I will not lie to both of my blog readers. SO – we’ll just make fun of the best love fake emotions can buy.

Can we stop referring to the Bachelor as Ben F? Last time I checked, he was the only guy on the show, let alone the only Ben. Come on… let’s let the guy have his moment in the spotlight of 25 adoring women (well, if the previews are to be believed, then 24 girls and an old lady).

I really love me a skinny tie. The awkward zipping up the pants and tightening the belt montage? Well, let’s say the feelings are far from love for that little gem.

“The worst has happened to me.” -Ben (not F)
“Yes. Well, we hope.” -Chris

Let the games begin!

A quick sampling of the best one-liners on the night:
“You live and you learn, right? Next time sash, hat and the grandma.”

“Tell us about your hat.”
“Well, I rode a horse in.”
“A girl rode in on a horse. How am I supposed to beat that?”
“Screw you and the horse you rode in on.”

“I am the most fortunate man on the planet…This is going to be ridiculous.”

“See this, this is my heart. And this is the key to my heart.” Wait, did he she say “Guide and protect my heart?” No, it said love is patient, love is kind.

“It was really hard to have a conversation with him obviously when he was blindfolded. And being fed different sorts of candy. From a…garbage sack.”

“I’m…better than them.”

“How do you maintain sanity?” I wouldn’t ever come to you, Jenna, for that answer.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Pre-Gaming the Bachelor 1/3

I hate Mondays for a lot of reasons. An unusually full inbox. An eager alarm clock. A hangover from late-night Sunday shows (Mad Men and Brothers and Sisters anyone?). A five-day wait for the next weekend.

Today, I loathe them less. Today, the umpteenth season of The Bachelor franchise begins. Today, Brad Womack begins resumes his quest for true love via fame-seeking twenty-somethings.

Am I excited? In a word - YES. I was out of the country for Brad's first go at love, and will only get the therapy-laden version of the forty-something and all the artificial drama ABC can create. You know where I'll be every Monday night. I hope you join...

Disclaimer: Last season I showed incredible promise in the business of predictions. Please keep your expectations in check. I'm not sure I have what it takes to make a repeat performance. But I'll sure try.

Monday, August 16, 2010

a [nearly] momentous occasion

today at about 3:48, i stepped away from my desk and realized that i had gone the whole day without eating cake, candy or cookies - the three c's of death at hunter pr. our kitchen is commonly filled with confectionary masterpieces, or just really yummy and fattening foods. hence, i can no longer wear the skirt i wore while interviewed. note to self, stop woofing down the crap.

so, i congratulated myself for making it through [nearly] the whole day without a sugar-filled snack. then, i ate a cookie. then, i ate another. congrats, ali?

Monday, August 2, 2010

A Bachelorette retrospective

One word: epic.

Of all the seasons, I think Ali has the best two guys left. Two guys who are legit men. Good guys. Would be attractive outside the context of the show. Well done, Ali. Props to you… you’ve done our name proud.

I was a little too emotionally invested in this episode to blog while it was happening! So you left-coasters, be warned. This is a retrospective.

I must say, Ali and Roberto are my favorite couple since Andrew and Jen Schefft (she’s pregnant!). I’ve waited a long time since Season 3. Naively, I think these two will beat the Bachelor odds.

And, for a girl who has an insatiable appetite for all things celebrity and social media, I was surprisingly pleased that Reality Steve got it wrong this season! Who is Reality Steve? He became a household name when he accurately leaked the Jason Mesnick-Melissa Rycroft (she’s pregnant!)-Molly Malaney story. And he’s been full of spoilers ever since. ABC reportedly hired private investigators to find the moles and this season it proved to be a success since weeks ago Steve claimed Ali picked no one. His sources said our Bachelorette stayed, well, as a bachelorette. He was wrong. And I smile.

What we learned about Ali tonight
She has balls, she’s sincere and not a single guy she sent home can say anything bad about her. That’s commendable. I think she was maybe the best Bachelorette we ever had. I appreciated that she gave each guy individual reasons for leaving or staying, and that she would rather be barefoot than in heels. Letting Chris go a day early was the most genuine thing she did all season. She didn’t let him look at rings, and prepare to propose when she clearly was in love with another guy. Girl’s got balls. Seeing Chris reunited with Ali after the rose, he was still vulnerable and boyishly in love with her. He posed a great question when he asked Ali what she learned from their relationship. In true Ali form, her answer is not as good as the question – she was clearly unprepared for that!

Her family clearly loved both guys, and her parents were great. While talking to R about her impressions of their relationship, Mama F. cried. And then he grabbed her hand. And she melted. And I melted. Then she spoke awful, awful Spanish. And America melted. To a certain extent, though, I always feel bad for the parents on these shows. They didn’t sign up for a TV show, and yet they get plastered on HD screens across America.

Tonight we learned Ali is genuinely happy. That she found security and safety in a relationship. That she has supremely good taste in men!

What we learned about Chris tonight
He loved Ali. He was confident in his relationship with her. But Chris was thankful for the opportunity to find love and is hopeful to find it again. The next Bachelor? Remember, you heard it here first. That was my prediction since day 1. Literally. Let’s see if his shattered mirror of a broken heart can mend in time. Come on, Chris. We need more of you in High-Def.

I feel the rainbow deserves a moment of it’s own. Chris’s experience with the rainbow was touching. Uninhibited. Pure. Raw. Genuine. I can’t lie – I may have teared up a little bit. That was such an intimate moment he was able to share that was perfectly hopeful in a moment when he was perfectly broken. Beautiful.

What we learned about Roberto tonight

He is every bit as attractive as I thought he was all season. That last scene, in the suit, in which he proposed to Ali, he might have been the best looking guy on the planet. I was floored. Home boy is hot! He makes Ali giddy, and that beat out a solid friendship/relationship. Can’t say I blame her.

R drives fast enough to fulfill Ali’s sense of adventure! She likes that about him. She doesn’t like that about Chris and his Driving Miss Daisy moped skills.

I was most impressed by R when he asked her mom how he can make Ali happy for the rest of her life. He really loves that girl and the fact that Ali is so secure in that love says a lot.

What we learned about Ali tonight

No, not THAT Ali, THIS Ali! I want to go to Tahiti. And Bora Bora. And Tahiti. And Bora Bora. Yesterday. It’s a little cost prohibitive right now, but it’s something to look forward to. Saving. My. Pennies.

Apparently, I not only hate when I’m vulnerable, I also hate when other people are vulnerable! I hate vulnerability in all of it's vulnerable forms. I was physically nervous for Chris. Every time he talked about his future with Ali, and proposing to her, my chest tightened up. My stomach was in knots. I felt like I needed to warn him and lock up his heart again so it wouldn’t shatter. I guess I still need to work on those vulnerability and control issues!

Don’t agree with me? Sound off below. I know not everyone like Ali as much as this Ali liked her…

Monday, July 26, 2010

Breaking Down the Bachelorette: The Men Tell All

Welcome to my point system. Please add your points in the comments... I would love to hear what you think.

Chris Harrison
+45 The tie! Dark purple with black flowers? Yes please. Me like.
+56 “You’re on a glacier in Iceland…” to preface the Kasey tattoo fiasco. So. Fantastic.
+17 If Kasey had only known, the scrapbook was the key to Ali’s heart.
+28 in response to Kasey saying he’s not a singer, “I know! That’s what I was trying to tell you!”

+33 For looking hot in her (first) interview with Chris.
+87 For the way she confronted Justin. It never gets old.
+62 For not remembering the details of her date with Kasey. Color me surprised.
-18 For apparently not firing her hair dresser and stylist.

Frank’s dad’s
+88 for this toast:
From and among the greater
To then now and until here
As it was in front of before
Such as beyond past, presently
And victorious should the little ant dianetically (idk)
rise to Frank now and forever

+43 for being the only non-series person on my list. He earned this mention!

+14 For just looking chiseled and hot. I mean, wow. And I don’t normally like white guys.

-2 For showing up when people didn’t remember him in the first place.

Mountain Man
+17 One point for every word he said on this show, more than he said all season – err, one episode.

+8 For that vest – apparently I’m a sucker for vests with a shiny purple back.

Craig R.
+7 For being the best interview, besides Chris L.
+2 For coming in with a “Hard and Fast Rule” to not say anything bad about anyone in the house.
+9 For breaking his “Hard and Fast Rule.” After five seconds.
+6 “Kase, you’re crazy.”
+3 For just seeming like a friend to the guys and a friend to Ali and a voice of reason.
+15 For calling his profession as a lawyer a “s**t detector.” Any lawyers want to weigh in on the veracity of this claim? I kind of like it.

John C
-6 For Botox.

+1 For doing something memorable to merit an invitation, I just don’t remember what it was.

-2 For coming on national television with a black eye.

+3 For being from Cleveland. They need some love right now.

Chris N.
-12 Two words: Spray. Tan.
+43 For wearing a “Phantom” shirt.
-6 For explaining said “Phantom” shirt.
-16 “Self promote himself.” It’s redundant. It’s repetitive.
-16 “Self promote himself.” (see above)

+8 For taking care of Ali when she was sick. I still think that was cute! He deserves retroactive points.
-4 For the way his jeans fit.
-64 For the death stare. I didn’t need to see that again. Ever.
+44 “This sucks.” One of my fav phrases.

-189 “She was almost mystical.” The man is still single. Shocking.
-17 For wearing that jacket.
-33 For the tongue-sticking-out incident.
+2 For the fake Rated-R voicemails in the credit. Hi-Larious. (should be more, but I can’t bring myself to it)

-100 For his voice.
-21 “You look imaginary.”
-77 (x3) It’s just my heart – jump in, stay a while.
+53 for his song! That was fantastic! The only time he should’ve sung. Ever. In his life.

+12 For basically calling Kasey a stalker and knowing all the details about the show that a dude isn’t supposed to know.
-3 For saying “Looney Tune.” Twice.

-999 For existing.

Deserves no points. Boo.
But I must wonder, why will he be there next week on “After the Final Rose” and not this week…

+9 For not killing Ali with a champagne cork!
+37 For how bad he felt about “not” killing Ali. So glad we got to see this moment!
+123 For being Roberto. Yum.

Chris L.
+83 For being hilarious. Again. He will be a great Bachelor!
+76 For walking out of the shower.

-1467 for trying to make this a two-hour show. Stretched. Too. Thin.

Bachelor Pad
+9836 For bringing Kiptyn and Tenley together. The only two sane people in that house. So excited to watch this comedic train wreck. You know where I’ll be.

Monday, July 19, 2010

The Bachelorette 7/19

Prediction: I think Frank is going home tonight. It’s the easy conclusion to make, but this isn't a copout. ABC has built up this plot and I'm buying it. Frank goes. Chris and Roberto in the finale.

And here we go. I may or may not have butterflies in my stomach. Don’t judge.

In moments like these monologues and voiceovers I wonder what the director/producer says as they are pensive, concerned, in love?

Chris looks off into the LA sky.
-1 point, Chris followed a cliché with a cliché. I am going to put my cards on the table, so to speak. Fail! Please don’t do that. Ever. Again.

Roberto spinning a baseball on his bed. Frank, brooding Frank. Welcome back and goodbye. The end.

“As I’ve fallen in love with Ali, I’m beginning to realize I might still be in love with Nicole.”

“I’ve been an emotional wreck.” No, really Frank? I never saw that one coming. Wool over eyes. Successful.

Frank standing at a crossroads, an intersection if you will, in Chicago. Foreshadowing? I’m voting for yes. Well played, ABC. Well played.

“A lifetime of love is coming to a point, right here.” Frank has been consistently underplaying his emotions for the past 8 weeks on this show, so I’m glad this is no different. Keep it subtle, Frank. Keep it subtle.

I want to know how long they dated, how long before the show they broke up, and how long until they break up next. Curiosity peaked. Frank is in love, that’s exactly what he came on this show to do. Not quite the success story ABC was looking for, but if Frank and Nicole work out I wonder if the Bachelor franchise will take the credit. We all know they need to improve their track record…

I’ve seen more uncomfortable, silent moments with Frank thinking and breathing to last me two more seasons. See ya, bub.

I don’t know if Tahiti is the perfect place to fall in love, but I am falling in love with Tahiti. Not so in love with her swan dive into the water and her head flip coming out… ABC doesn’t cut short on the dramatic.

ABC is a bit misleading in their show descriptions. They say there is an audition process prior to choosing the 25 eligible bachelors. Really, this is the audition episode. The bedroom audition. Between Chris and Roberto my vote goes for the Latin. Just a hunch. We’ll see if I’m right.

Date 1: Roberto
And the string of realistic dates are over. I mean, I go on picnics. In Central Park. With MILLIONS of other New Yorkers. No uninhabited heart shaped lagoons in real life. Not. Normal. And they made out. All day. Theoretically, I might do the same thing if given the opportunity.

I love how much Roberto struggled to tell Ali he was falling in love with her. He was genuinely uncomfortable. And his reward? The fantasy suite card. How are people surprised by this 13 seasons into this show? It happens EVERY TIME!

Ali: “What do you think?” Followed by a seductive lip bite…

Candidate number 1 in the sack. I mean bag. I mean… I can’t get myself out of this. Moving on.

Date 2: Chris
This is the longest walk ever, Chris? THEN RUN! It really is a simple solution.

The fact that Chris gave the bracelet, good sign. The fact that Chris got a hometown date with Ali, better sign. The fact that Frank is about to drop a loveless bomb on Ali’s heart, best sign. See you next week, Chris.

Headlines we could have heard after this date: “Bachelorette contestant drowns in Tahiti after sought-after bachelorette tried to straddle him in the ocean.” Hi-larious.

And then they found pearls. Right, like that wasn’t staged. I wonder what they were eating around the writer’s table when they came up with the idea of the pearl analogy for Ali and Chris’s relationship. So they’ve been a moped and pearls. I’d say they’re definitely moving up on the quality scale.

Shout out to the Gap for providing Ali’s tank top for the night. Once again, ABC spares no expense.

The most painful part of watching them kiss is watching Ali try to train Chris to kiss. It’s like she’s trying to keep him in and prevent him from his in and out kissing habits. Ick.

Chris: “Yes, I love this girl. 100%. I just don’t know how to verbalize it.” So, I’ll just show her. All night. And so Chris starts talking about their post-show life. I’m getting kind of worried about his recently-repaired heart. She’s going to crush him! It’s ok, he’ll get his fix as the Bachelor when he kisses 23 of the 25 girls and ends up with no one in the end.

Candidate number 2? Check.

Date 3: Frank
I’m glad he was last. I’m glad she was able to enjoy her first couple dates Brooding Frank-free. AND, I’m uber glad Chris Harrison makes an earlier appearance on the episode. Chris = silver lining. Frank = dark cloud.

Frank is full of revelations tonight! Really? You over think? No way! Frank looks like an absolute disaster. I wish I knew what was going through Chris Harrison’s head right now. I guess I’ll have to read his blog tomorrow. You can check it out here (popwatch.ew.com)

Ali’s string of hideous outfits continues. Her stylist should be fired. Hair stylist. Fired. Wardrobe consultant. Fired.

Frank exuded all the eloquence of an aspiring screen writer. Or of a guy who has been over thinking and playing out situations in his head for weeks. Or of a guy who meandered into the most twisted way to validate feelings for an old relationship. I give the guy credit for being sincere. But he hit so many bumps along this road to confessions. Cue Usher. “These are my confessions, just when I thought I said all I could say…”

Had. Was crazy about you. Was falling for you. BUT.

Frank’s biggest understatement of the day, “Ali, I’m sorry.”

I might start calling Ali Mary Poppins because that’s twice in the episode that she’s called perfect in every way. Wait, that means she’s better than Mary Poppins, MP was only practically perfect in every way. Mad ups for Ali.

I feel like we’re almost watching raw footage, I feel kind of uncomfortable watching this super personal conversation between this couple breaking up. Yes folks, those are real tears. Ali’s tears confirm she liked Frank best. I think she would’ve chosen him. I think Frank knew it, too. Single isn’t looking so bad right about now. It seems like Ali constantly having to reassure Frank of her feelings for him solidified her feelings for him all along.

“Apparently not everything.” Ohhhh snap. Ali comes out on top.

I wonder if bad extensions make crying headaches worse. Ali will soon find out. I feel so bad for her. Eeeeek. The music is a bit over the top but oh so appropriate at the same time.

This is not the first dramatic story on the final three dates. There was Wes. Before Wes was Jason. That’s all this Bachelor buff can come up with off the top of my head.

Again, this is a call to fire the whole wardrobe staff. That upgraded moo moo is a boo boo.

Chris Harrison asks a fantastic question here, is it Frank or is it what Frank did to you? Far better than the answer that ensued, but I can’t blame the girl, her heart was just shattered into millions of little pieces.

“I have high hopes right now that my future husband is still here.” So not convincing. The quote her camp leaked that she may end up single is definitely spinning a web with tonight’s episode. But it could very well be a ploy. I'm intrigued.

While Ali wouldn’t throw Frank under the bus when she explained why he wasn’t there, she did clock him a couple times when she said her man needs honor and respect for other people, intimating Frank doesn’t have them.

The best part of this rose ceremony, both the guys are so giddy and smiley! No more death stare, no more please pick me eyes. Their happy laughing is happy-making.

I think she picks Roberto. I need to stick to my Chris as the next Bachelor prediction. If it comes true, I’m taking my Bachelor-watching skills to Vegas.

The Men Tell All is going to be a fantastic hour (or two?) of television. It appears Frank will not be appearing next week. Justin and Kasey are going to be the bulk of the drama. Not looking forward to hearing Kasey's voice again. At all.

Sorry no theory on love. The more I thought about it, the more convoluted and inarticulate it became. Sorry for the build up. Lame.