The Bachelorette 7/5

The Bacheloretttttttttttte! I’m so excited. Maybe being with Jenny all weekend talking about the comedy that is the Bachelorette got me more excited than normal.

Before we begin, let me thank ABC for the best comedy show on television. And now, you’re going to give me The Bachelor Pad. Joyful. I’m smiling. Now, let’s go. Brace yourselves, this is going to be a long one…

I want to go to Portugal. I speak Pork-a-cheese. Ergo, I need to go to Portugal. Maybe I can find love there, too. If it’s all in a name, from one Ali to another…

Oh wow, Ali just butchered the Pork-a-cheese. Ugly. All she tried to say is welcome to Portugal. Does Roberto pick up on that? Is that a turn off. Ugh.

Roberto. Sucks. At. Taking. Pictures.

“Worse photographer ever.” Yes, Roberto you are. But you have so many other things going for you.

And, I love this date. It’s real. It’s what non-show people would do. Then, they dance in the street. Oh those Latin boys. Where do I get me one? Brasilian? Please?

“You’re a mystery to me a little bit right now.” So instead of letting him talk, I’m just going to kiss you. Hey, If I was staring at those dimples I would find it hard to resist, too.

But I like Roberto. Probably because he is one of the few guys on this show who is less feminine than I am. Good. News. But I like what bro-in-law Jer said, too. Roberto is the only guy who won’t feel like a total idiot watching this season back. He hasn’t said anything ridiculous on camera. He is a dude. Who likes a girl. Props.

2-on-1 date. Chris was so smug about not getting the two-on-one. He is reading that card with the happiest heart thinking… wow- sucks to be you guys!

Let the awkwardness begin. Two-on-ones are BRUTAL.

This is the second two-on-one in which she’s taken a helicopter. I’m a little sad this trip won’t end with Mr. “guard and protect your heart” abandoned on a glacier. Ahh, nuts. Kasey, how we miss you.

“It tickles me to death.” Oh Ty, how far away from the South we are. “It tickles you.” I don’t know if that was sincere or patronizing. Jury’s still out.

“My smiling face and funny demeanor.” Chris L. is fantastic – such a bundle of entertainment.

Frank made such a big deal out of living with his parents! I love how he segwayed (I might have made that word up) into it: “One thing that has brought us even closer together…” HILARIOUS!

Small observation – Ali leans into her kisses with Frank like she doesn’t lean in with any of the other guys. Another observation – I freaking LOVE how Ali is slouched and boyish in her interview. Epic Episode.

I never saw it coming… Ali and her date end up at a castle. Really? How unique. There’s apparently nothing else in Portugal other than old castles. In reality, these palaces, as Kirk likes to call them, are the only attractions ABC could get for free. Hey, it’s a tough economy. Ad dollars are down. We all need to cut somewhere.

It’s at about this point in the episode that I wish I had a counter for a certain catch phrase. Tonight, I wish I had counted all the “I just have a lot on my mind” mentions tonight. All you left-coasters, maybe run a tally and send me the final numbers? Thanks, I appreciate it.

Elated. That’s a good word.

“I can’t be the dude that killed the Bachelorette; that wouldn’t look good.” Well said, Chris. Well said.

“Chris is going pretty slow on the scooter. Kind of like our relationship.” Wow, Ali. Now take the driver’s seat and take off. Chris is a “Yes Dear” man. And it works.

My vote is still on Chris for the next Bachelor. My predictions haven’t gone wrong yet – stay on this bandwagon with me.

“We finally have been able to pick up the speed.” Ali just can’t let go of this moped analogy. Come on Ali, get a little more creative here.

Let me jus say it, Chris is an awful conversationalist. Ali is always searching. He answers yes, no, or the far more intelligent, “Oh ya. Ya, ya. G-- ya.” Such great fodder for love.

And, he is the worst kisser in the world. So painful to watch. Maybe I want to renig (did I make that on up, too?) my Bachelor call. A whole season of this face eating? Eek.

“You make me feel all warm inside.” No, Chris, that’s the copious amounts of wine you drank.

Rose ceremony…

I really like Ali’s dress. It seems so Portugal.

Why can’t Chris just wear a suit? At least he has all-black shoes on. And Ty is pointed out in a ballet stance. Hi-Larious.

Kirk is still giving the death stare from last week. It’s back and it’s definitely not his best look. And he’s the last name called again. Not boding well for his hometown date!

Did Ty just call Ali letting him go a fault? “You had your faults and you have the reason that you do what you did.” That was an interesting choice of words.

And, in case you forgot, let me remind you all that the final four that I called THE FIRST NIGHT is still in tact. Yes, call me a Bachelorette ringer. Maybe I should be a bookie. But seriously, can we take a moment to commemorate this?

Now we have Jake and Vienna in a “hopeful attempt to find closure.” Hope is fleeting, apparently. We are about to witness in 40 minutes what all of America saw coming. Am I the only one who was NOT surprised? At all?

Childish. Petty. Selfish. Dysfunctional.

“You are a fame whore.” Truer and more hypocritical words have never been spoken.

Highlight? “We don’t care about the dog.” You’ve never been more correct, Chris.

I appreciate you being here tonight… and fulfilling your contract.

‘It is what it is.” Couldn’t have said it better myself, Chris!

A glimpse ahead to the hometown dates –
With all the plaid Kirk has been wearing, it’s no wonder his dad’s shed is full of dead animals. Imagination? Not needed. At all. So much to look forward to!

Roberto in a uniform. Yum.

Chris and Ali appearing to have romantic chemistry. This is a step in the right direction.

And Frank going to see his ex-girlfriend. And the demise of the cute “connection” with Ali.

Best two hours of television EVER. Well, at least since last Monday when Justin was hobbling around…

“Justin you’re going to regret this.”
“You’re going to regret this Justin.”

I don’t regret these two hours I just spent watching this show. And typing all of this. Hope you don’t regret reading this.