Belated Bachelorette Blogging

First, let me offer my sincerest apologies. My deviant and lax behavior in watching the Bachelorette late is unacceptable and I take full responsibility for my life choices.

It’s been a hard process for me, but I brought you all together to say that I’m taking my talents to South Beach…

Oh wait, wrong reality fiasco (but I still got nothing but love for LBJ)! My three favorite teams in the NBA remain 1 – Blazers 2- Lebron 3- Celtics. That hasn’t changed – team Lebron just now wears a different jersey. But, I digress.

Now back to the (belated) matter at hand.
Predictions:

Kirk goes home. It’s been fun. His time has come.
We will like Chris even more – he’s going to build off the bracelet momentum.
Frank and Ali will be strong. She looks forward to seeing him the most.
I will wish even harder that Roberto and THIS Ali were hanging out instead of THAT Ali. Alas, let’s just assume he’s really short. I think that will help. Me.

Cue intro and ensuing smiles:

R is for Roberto
Of course Roberto is from Miami. Of course he looks smoking in a baseball uniform. And, once again to his credit, they do a normal-person activity on a date.

Point of clarification – R’s dad called him a big “prize,” not “price” as it sounded with his accent. In addition to Jer’s Ebonics translation service, I’ll augment that with Latin-accent translations. They are dear to my heart.

Adorable. R’s dad is the epitome of a proud father. How do I feel about Ali and Roberto “teaming up” for a business venture? I think it was a smart choice of words considering they were seated in front of a hall of Roberto sports fame. R wants to propose and wants his parents’ blessing. My. Heart. Melted.

Ali: “He’s always been the guy I thought I could be with and end up with in the end.”
It’s clear she is the most physically attracted to Roberto and her tomboy-hood feels most comfortable with him. And then, as Roberto said in his convo with Mami, there’s that “feeling.” I see potential.

C is for Chris
Chris has never been more attractive. I think he will benefit the most by the hometown. He’s been the most awkward of the four remaining. Ali is good with C’s dog. She doesn’t care about getting her boots all sandy. And C never disappoints on the entertainment front with the whales having sex comment. Thanks goes to you, C.

The role-playing on the porch was hilarious. C and Ali took huge steps forward this afternoon. I’m still holding on to the Chris as Bachelor prediction, but he’s trying hard to prove me wrong. But I still can’t get over the eat-her-face kissing. Must improve.

I am offering myself as the executive producer, or maybe just the publicist, for the new ABC dating show for C’s dad. I love this family. Maybe one day I’ll come up with my own family slogan, but for now I’ll stick with “Love is the only reality.” I think I’ll put it on a bracelet. Great, original ideas. I shall copyright.

And, ABC just ran a fake ID story in prime time television. Love happens in a bar with a fake ID. Now I know why I’m still single. I’ve lost touch with the known ID makers from the high school days... wait. I mean, I’ve never met a fake ID maker. Any volunteers out there? Anyone? Bueller? Oh, you don’t need a fake ID at 25? Oh, single Mormons usually don’t meet other single Mormons in bars? There goes my chance.

C: “I want her to not just pick me, but fall for me.”
That might be the best line delivered on Bachelor/Bachelorette history. Try to defy me. Try. Do it. I still win.


K is for Kirk
Kirk: “Well, here we go.” ‘Nuff said.

Holy Cow tracker: Twice. In 30 seconds. Welcome to the land of cheese (and the “holy cows” that make it).

The editing on this segment was fantastic. It appeared as if the first thing Father of K said was the creepy, “Hey Ali, do you want to see my basement?” I’m glad he spins his work as “bringing animals back to life.” I think he may have a future in the PR business. Then again, maybe not. Please, no. I have respect for my industry of choice. Dead animals next to frozen snacks is a deal breaker. Done-zo. Game over. Gross.

The day went well, Dad got less crazy, K talking to his little sister was adorable. Ali’s time with K’s mom was a bit unremarkable. Cute, but unremarkable. Are my opinions being colored by my prediction that he’s going home tonight? Yes. Most definitely. But Ali doesn’t light up the same way, isn’t giddy the same way. And she likes giddy. Love likes lights. Bye, K.

F is for Frank
With his love insecurities, F could be any Mormon guy.

“Is what I have the forever type thing, or is it just another amazing relationship that ultimately we decide, this might not be the best?”

The what if attitude. The possibility of something better attitude. The looking to the future with uncertainty attitude. All male Mormon characteristics. Not the most redeeming quality. I’m kind of over F…

That said, I’m glad to see that despite being back to a full closet of clothing choices F insists on wearing his same green jacket and brown sweater. Continuity is great, right? Right?

Pleasantly, F is back to being sarcastic and funny. So much better than Brooding Frank. He doesn’t need to come back, but I’m thinking he makes an extended appearance in Tahiti.

Ali: “I would do anything to be with the (sideward glance toward the house in which F is sitting) the right person.”
Yes, she likes F. A lot. I feel like she wants F’s mom’s approval more than any other parent. She is afraid of losing him and getting hurt by him. With the exception of R’s hotness – and let’s be honest, that is a bit over-the-top – she hasn’t expressed this fear with the other guys. That tells me she is most vulnerable with F because she likes him the most. Cue the Tahiti previews (in my head). Argh.

And, sigh, we see Chris Harrison. Always a bright spot. The biggest believer in the Bachelor franchise and the closest set of eyes to the train wreck. Not sure how that works, but it fascinates and happy-ates me nonetheless.

Water works! Chris Harrison just has that kind of an effect of people.

I feel like the only drama is the order in which the names will be called. Cue K’s death stare. At least it’s the last time we’ll see it. Here’s my vote:
R
C
F

And I’m 1 for 1. R is called first.
And I’m 2 for 2. C is called second.
And I’m 3 for 3. K is sporting the (unbecoming) death stare.
And I’m 4 for 4. F is the final name called.

In a moment of pure articulation rivaled only by my sentiments after a playoff soccer loss, K says “This sucks.” K, just wait for my mom to tell you that you’re in big trouble. But I agree, sometimes there’s no better way to say it. Some things just suck!

Be excited to hear a developing theory I’m working on. I feel it might be better suited for next week’s “dramatic” episode. Be. Sincerely. Excited. With really low expectations, please! ☺