The Bachelorette 7/19

Prediction: I think Frank is going home tonight. It’s the easy conclusion to make, but this isn't a copout. ABC has built up this plot and I'm buying it. Frank goes. Chris and Roberto in the finale.

And here we go. I may or may not have butterflies in my stomach. Don’t judge.

In moments like these monologues and voiceovers I wonder what the director/producer says as they are pensive, concerned, in love?

Chris looks off into the LA sky.
-1 point, Chris followed a cliché with a cliché. I am going to put my cards on the table, so to speak. Fail! Please don’t do that. Ever. Again.

Roberto spinning a baseball on his bed. Frank, brooding Frank. Welcome back and goodbye. The end.

“As I’ve fallen in love with Ali, I’m beginning to realize I might still be in love with Nicole.”

“I’ve been an emotional wreck.” No, really Frank? I never saw that one coming. Wool over eyes. Successful.

Frank standing at a crossroads, an intersection if you will, in Chicago. Foreshadowing? I’m voting for yes. Well played, ABC. Well played.

“A lifetime of love is coming to a point, right here.” Frank has been consistently underplaying his emotions for the past 8 weeks on this show, so I’m glad this is no different. Keep it subtle, Frank. Keep it subtle.

I want to know how long they dated, how long before the show they broke up, and how long until they break up next. Curiosity peaked. Frank is in love, that’s exactly what he came on this show to do. Not quite the success story ABC was looking for, but if Frank and Nicole work out I wonder if the Bachelor franchise will take the credit. We all know they need to improve their track record…

I’ve seen more uncomfortable, silent moments with Frank thinking and breathing to last me two more seasons. See ya, bub.

I don’t know if Tahiti is the perfect place to fall in love, but I am falling in love with Tahiti. Not so in love with her swan dive into the water and her head flip coming out… ABC doesn’t cut short on the dramatic.

ABC is a bit misleading in their show descriptions. They say there is an audition process prior to choosing the 25 eligible bachelors. Really, this is the audition episode. The bedroom audition. Between Chris and Roberto my vote goes for the Latin. Just a hunch. We’ll see if I’m right.

Date 1: Roberto
And the string of realistic dates are over. I mean, I go on picnics. In Central Park. With MILLIONS of other New Yorkers. No uninhabited heart shaped lagoons in real life. Not. Normal. And they made out. All day. Theoretically, I might do the same thing if given the opportunity.

I love how much Roberto struggled to tell Ali he was falling in love with her. He was genuinely uncomfortable. And his reward? The fantasy suite card. How are people surprised by this 13 seasons into this show? It happens EVERY TIME!

Ali: “What do you think?” Followed by a seductive lip bite…

Candidate number 1 in the sack. I mean bag. I mean… I can’t get myself out of this. Moving on.

Date 2: Chris
This is the longest walk ever, Chris? THEN RUN! It really is a simple solution.

The fact that Chris gave the bracelet, good sign. The fact that Chris got a hometown date with Ali, better sign. The fact that Frank is about to drop a loveless bomb on Ali’s heart, best sign. See you next week, Chris.

Headlines we could have heard after this date: “Bachelorette contestant drowns in Tahiti after sought-after bachelorette tried to straddle him in the ocean.” Hi-larious.

And then they found pearls. Right, like that wasn’t staged. I wonder what they were eating around the writer’s table when they came up with the idea of the pearl analogy for Ali and Chris’s relationship. So they’ve been a moped and pearls. I’d say they’re definitely moving up on the quality scale.

Shout out to the Gap for providing Ali’s tank top for the night. Once again, ABC spares no expense.

The most painful part of watching them kiss is watching Ali try to train Chris to kiss. It’s like she’s trying to keep him in and prevent him from his in and out kissing habits. Ick.

Chris: “Yes, I love this girl. 100%. I just don’t know how to verbalize it.” So, I’ll just show her. All night. And so Chris starts talking about their post-show life. I’m getting kind of worried about his recently-repaired heart. She’s going to crush him! It’s ok, he’ll get his fix as the Bachelor when he kisses 23 of the 25 girls and ends up with no one in the end.

Candidate number 2? Check.

Date 3: Frank
I’m glad he was last. I’m glad she was able to enjoy her first couple dates Brooding Frank-free. AND, I’m uber glad Chris Harrison makes an earlier appearance on the episode. Chris = silver lining. Frank = dark cloud.

Frank is full of revelations tonight! Really? You over think? No way! Frank looks like an absolute disaster. I wish I knew what was going through Chris Harrison’s head right now. I guess I’ll have to read his blog tomorrow. You can check it out here (popwatch.ew.com)

Ali’s string of hideous outfits continues. Her stylist should be fired. Hair stylist. Fired. Wardrobe consultant. Fired.

Frank exuded all the eloquence of an aspiring screen writer. Or of a guy who has been over thinking and playing out situations in his head for weeks. Or of a guy who meandered into the most twisted way to validate feelings for an old relationship. I give the guy credit for being sincere. But he hit so many bumps along this road to confessions. Cue Usher. “These are my confessions, just when I thought I said all I could say…”

Had. Was crazy about you. Was falling for you. BUT.

Frank’s biggest understatement of the day, “Ali, I’m sorry.”

I might start calling Ali Mary Poppins because that’s twice in the episode that she’s called perfect in every way. Wait, that means she’s better than Mary Poppins, MP was only practically perfect in every way. Mad ups for Ali.

I feel like we’re almost watching raw footage, I feel kind of uncomfortable watching this super personal conversation between this couple breaking up. Yes folks, those are real tears. Ali’s tears confirm she liked Frank best. I think she would’ve chosen him. I think Frank knew it, too. Single isn’t looking so bad right about now. It seems like Ali constantly having to reassure Frank of her feelings for him solidified her feelings for him all along.

“Apparently not everything.” Ohhhh snap. Ali comes out on top.

I wonder if bad extensions make crying headaches worse. Ali will soon find out. I feel so bad for her. Eeeeek. The music is a bit over the top but oh so appropriate at the same time.

This is not the first dramatic story on the final three dates. There was Wes. Before Wes was Jason. That’s all this Bachelor buff can come up with off the top of my head.

Again, this is a call to fire the whole wardrobe staff. That upgraded moo moo is a boo boo.

Chris Harrison asks a fantastic question here, is it Frank or is it what Frank did to you? Far better than the answer that ensued, but I can’t blame the girl, her heart was just shattered into millions of little pieces.

“I have high hopes right now that my future husband is still here.” So not convincing. The quote her camp leaked that she may end up single is definitely spinning a web with tonight’s episode. But it could very well be a ploy. I'm intrigued.

While Ali wouldn’t throw Frank under the bus when she explained why he wasn’t there, she did clock him a couple times when she said her man needs honor and respect for other people, intimating Frank doesn’t have them.

The best part of this rose ceremony, both the guys are so giddy and smiley! No more death stare, no more please pick me eyes. Their happy laughing is happy-making.

I think she picks Roberto. I need to stick to my Chris as the next Bachelor prediction. If it comes true, I’m taking my Bachelor-watching skills to Vegas.

The Men Tell All is going to be a fantastic hour (or two?) of television. It appears Frank will not be appearing next week. Justin and Kasey are going to be the bulk of the drama. Not looking forward to hearing Kasey's voice again. At all.

Sorry no theory on love. The more I thought about it, the more convoluted and inarticulate it became. Sorry for the build up. Lame.