Breaking Down the Bachelorette: The Men Tell All

Welcome to my point system. Please add your points in the comments... I would love to hear what you think.

Chris Harrison
+45 The tie! Dark purple with black flowers? Yes please. Me like.
+56 “You’re on a glacier in Iceland…” to preface the Kasey tattoo fiasco. So. Fantastic.
+17 If Kasey had only known, the scrapbook was the key to Ali’s heart.
+28 in response to Kasey saying he’s not a singer, “I know! That’s what I was trying to tell you!”

Ali
+33 For looking hot in her (first) interview with Chris.
+87 For the way she confronted Justin. It never gets old.
+62 For not remembering the details of her date with Kasey. Color me surprised.
-18 For apparently not firing her hair dresser and stylist.

Frank’s dad’s
+88 for this toast:

From and among the greater
To then now and until here
As it was in front of before
Such as beyond past, presently
And victorious should the little ant dianetically (idk)
rise to Frank now and forever

+43 for being the only non-series person on my list. He earned this mention!

Jesse
+14 For just looking chiseled and hot. I mean, wow. And I don’t normally like white guys.

Hunter
-2 For showing up when people didn’t remember him in the first place.

Mountain Man
+17 One point for every word he said on this show, more than he said all season – err, one episode.

Tyler
+8 For that vest – apparently I’m a sucker for vests with a shiny purple back.

Craig R.
+7 For being the best interview, besides Chris L.
+2 For coming in with a “Hard and Fast Rule” to not say anything bad about anyone in the house.
+9 For breaking his “Hard and Fast Rule.” After five seconds.
+6 “Kase, you’re crazy.”
+3 For just seeming like a friend to the guys and a friend to Ali and a voice of reason.
+15 For calling his profession as a lawyer a “s**t detector.” Any lawyers want to weigh in on the veracity of this claim? I kind of like it.

John C
-6 For Botox.

Derrick
+1 For doing something memorable to merit an invitation, I just don’t remember what it was.

Jason
-2 For coming on national television with a black eye.

Steve
+3 For being from Cleveland. They need some love right now.

Chris N.
-12 Two words: Spray. Tan.
+43 For wearing a “Phantom” shirt.
-6 For explaining said “Phantom” shirt.
-16 “Self promote himself.” It’s redundant. It’s repetitive.
-16 “Self promote himself.” (see above)

Kirk
+8 For taking care of Ali when she was sick. I still think that was cute! He deserves retroactive points.
-4 For the way his jeans fit.
-64 For the death stare. I didn’t need to see that again. Ever.
+44 “This sucks.” One of my fav phrases.

Weatherman
-189 “She was almost mystical.” The man is still single. Shocking.
-17 For wearing that jacket.
-33 For the tongue-sticking-out incident.
+2 For the fake Rated-R voicemails in the credit. Hi-Larious. (should be more, but I can’t bring myself to it)

Kasey
-100 For his voice.
-21 “You look imaginary.”
-77 (x3) It’s just my heart – jump in, stay a while.
+53 for his song! That was fantastic! The only time he should’ve sung. Ever. In his life.

Ty
+12 For basically calling Kasey a stalker and knowing all the details about the show that a dude isn’t supposed to know.
-3 For saying “Looney Tune.” Twice.

Justin
-999 For existing.

Frank
Deserves no points. Boo.
But I must wonder, why will he be there next week on “After the Final Rose” and not this week…

Roberto
+9 For not killing Ali with a champagne cork!
+37 For how bad he felt about “not” killing Ali. So glad we got to see this moment!
+123 For being Roberto. Yum.

Chris L.
+83 For being hilarious. Again. He will be a great Bachelor!
+76 For walking out of the shower.

ABC
-1467 for trying to make this a two-hour show. Stretched. Too. Thin.

Bachelor Pad
+9836 For bringing Kiptyn and Tenley together. The only two sane people in that house. So excited to watch this comedic train wreck. You know where I’ll be.

The Bachelorette 7/19

Prediction: I think Frank is going home tonight. It’s the easy conclusion to make, but this isn't a copout. ABC has built up this plot and I'm buying it. Frank goes. Chris and Roberto in the finale.

And here we go. I may or may not have butterflies in my stomach. Don’t judge.

In moments like these monologues and voiceovers I wonder what the director/producer says as they are pensive, concerned, in love?

Chris looks off into the LA sky.
-1 point, Chris followed a cliché with a cliché. I am going to put my cards on the table, so to speak. Fail! Please don’t do that. Ever. Again.

Roberto spinning a baseball on his bed. Frank, brooding Frank. Welcome back and goodbye. The end.

“As I’ve fallen in love with Ali, I’m beginning to realize I might still be in love with Nicole.”

“I’ve been an emotional wreck.” No, really Frank? I never saw that one coming. Wool over eyes. Successful.

Frank standing at a crossroads, an intersection if you will, in Chicago. Foreshadowing? I’m voting for yes. Well played, ABC. Well played.

“A lifetime of love is coming to a point, right here.” Frank has been consistently underplaying his emotions for the past 8 weeks on this show, so I’m glad this is no different. Keep it subtle, Frank. Keep it subtle.

I want to know how long they dated, how long before the show they broke up, and how long until they break up next. Curiosity peaked. Frank is in love, that’s exactly what he came on this show to do. Not quite the success story ABC was looking for, but if Frank and Nicole work out I wonder if the Bachelor franchise will take the credit. We all know they need to improve their track record…

I’ve seen more uncomfortable, silent moments with Frank thinking and breathing to last me two more seasons. See ya, bub.

I don’t know if Tahiti is the perfect place to fall in love, but I am falling in love with Tahiti. Not so in love with her swan dive into the water and her head flip coming out… ABC doesn’t cut short on the dramatic.

ABC is a bit misleading in their show descriptions. They say there is an audition process prior to choosing the 25 eligible bachelors. Really, this is the audition episode. The bedroom audition. Between Chris and Roberto my vote goes for the Latin. Just a hunch. We’ll see if I’m right.

Date 1: Roberto
And the string of realistic dates are over. I mean, I go on picnics. In Central Park. With MILLIONS of other New Yorkers. No uninhabited heart shaped lagoons in real life. Not. Normal. And they made out. All day. Theoretically, I might do the same thing if given the opportunity.

I love how much Roberto struggled to tell Ali he was falling in love with her. He was genuinely uncomfortable. And his reward? The fantasy suite card. How are people surprised by this 13 seasons into this show? It happens EVERY TIME!

Ali: “What do you think?” Followed by a seductive lip bite…

Candidate number 1 in the sack. I mean bag. I mean… I can’t get myself out of this. Moving on.

Date 2: Chris
This is the longest walk ever, Chris? THEN RUN! It really is a simple solution.

The fact that Chris gave the bracelet, good sign. The fact that Chris got a hometown date with Ali, better sign. The fact that Frank is about to drop a loveless bomb on Ali’s heart, best sign. See you next week, Chris.

Headlines we could have heard after this date: “Bachelorette contestant drowns in Tahiti after sought-after bachelorette tried to straddle him in the ocean.” Hi-larious.

And then they found pearls. Right, like that wasn’t staged. I wonder what they were eating around the writer’s table when they came up with the idea of the pearl analogy for Ali and Chris’s relationship. So they’ve been a moped and pearls. I’d say they’re definitely moving up on the quality scale.

Shout out to the Gap for providing Ali’s tank top for the night. Once again, ABC spares no expense.

The most painful part of watching them kiss is watching Ali try to train Chris to kiss. It’s like she’s trying to keep him in and prevent him from his in and out kissing habits. Ick.

Chris: “Yes, I love this girl. 100%. I just don’t know how to verbalize it.” So, I’ll just show her. All night. And so Chris starts talking about their post-show life. I’m getting kind of worried about his recently-repaired heart. She’s going to crush him! It’s ok, he’ll get his fix as the Bachelor when he kisses 23 of the 25 girls and ends up with no one in the end.

Candidate number 2? Check.

Date 3: Frank
I’m glad he was last. I’m glad she was able to enjoy her first couple dates Brooding Frank-free. AND, I’m uber glad Chris Harrison makes an earlier appearance on the episode. Chris = silver lining. Frank = dark cloud.

Frank is full of revelations tonight! Really? You over think? No way! Frank looks like an absolute disaster. I wish I knew what was going through Chris Harrison’s head right now. I guess I’ll have to read his blog tomorrow. You can check it out here (popwatch.ew.com)

Ali’s string of hideous outfits continues. Her stylist should be fired. Hair stylist. Fired. Wardrobe consultant. Fired.

Frank exuded all the eloquence of an aspiring screen writer. Or of a guy who has been over thinking and playing out situations in his head for weeks. Or of a guy who meandered into the most twisted way to validate feelings for an old relationship. I give the guy credit for being sincere. But he hit so many bumps along this road to confessions. Cue Usher. “These are my confessions, just when I thought I said all I could say…”

Had. Was crazy about you. Was falling for you. BUT.

Frank’s biggest understatement of the day, “Ali, I’m sorry.”

I might start calling Ali Mary Poppins because that’s twice in the episode that she’s called perfect in every way. Wait, that means she’s better than Mary Poppins, MP was only practically perfect in every way. Mad ups for Ali.

I feel like we’re almost watching raw footage, I feel kind of uncomfortable watching this super personal conversation between this couple breaking up. Yes folks, those are real tears. Ali’s tears confirm she liked Frank best. I think she would’ve chosen him. I think Frank knew it, too. Single isn’t looking so bad right about now. It seems like Ali constantly having to reassure Frank of her feelings for him solidified her feelings for him all along.

“Apparently not everything.” Ohhhh snap. Ali comes out on top.

I wonder if bad extensions make crying headaches worse. Ali will soon find out. I feel so bad for her. Eeeeek. The music is a bit over the top but oh so appropriate at the same time.

This is not the first dramatic story on the final three dates. There was Wes. Before Wes was Jason. That’s all this Bachelor buff can come up with off the top of my head.

Again, this is a call to fire the whole wardrobe staff. That upgraded moo moo is a boo boo.

Chris Harrison asks a fantastic question here, is it Frank or is it what Frank did to you? Far better than the answer that ensued, but I can’t blame the girl, her heart was just shattered into millions of little pieces.

“I have high hopes right now that my future husband is still here.” So not convincing. The quote her camp leaked that she may end up single is definitely spinning a web with tonight’s episode. But it could very well be a ploy. I'm intrigued.

While Ali wouldn’t throw Frank under the bus when she explained why he wasn’t there, she did clock him a couple times when she said her man needs honor and respect for other people, intimating Frank doesn’t have them.

The best part of this rose ceremony, both the guys are so giddy and smiley! No more death stare, no more please pick me eyes. Their happy laughing is happy-making.

I think she picks Roberto. I need to stick to my Chris as the next Bachelor prediction. If it comes true, I’m taking my Bachelor-watching skills to Vegas.

The Men Tell All is going to be a fantastic hour (or two?) of television. It appears Frank will not be appearing next week. Justin and Kasey are going to be the bulk of the drama. Not looking forward to hearing Kasey's voice again. At all.

Sorry no theory on love. The more I thought about it, the more convoluted and inarticulate it became. Sorry for the build up. Lame.

Belated Bachelorette Blogging

First, let me offer my sincerest apologies. My deviant and lax behavior in watching the Bachelorette late is unacceptable and I take full responsibility for my life choices.

It’s been a hard process for me, but I brought you all together to say that I’m taking my talents to South Beach…

Oh wait, wrong reality fiasco (but I still got nothing but love for LBJ)! My three favorite teams in the NBA remain 1 – Blazers 2- Lebron 3- Celtics. That hasn’t changed – team Lebron just now wears a different jersey. But, I digress.

Now back to the (belated) matter at hand.
Predictions:

Kirk goes home. It’s been fun. His time has come.
We will like Chris even more – he’s going to build off the bracelet momentum.
Frank and Ali will be strong. She looks forward to seeing him the most.
I will wish even harder that Roberto and THIS Ali were hanging out instead of THAT Ali. Alas, let’s just assume he’s really short. I think that will help. Me.

Cue intro and ensuing smiles:

R is for Roberto
Of course Roberto is from Miami. Of course he looks smoking in a baseball uniform. And, once again to his credit, they do a normal-person activity on a date.

Point of clarification – R’s dad called him a big “prize,” not “price” as it sounded with his accent. In addition to Jer’s Ebonics translation service, I’ll augment that with Latin-accent translations. They are dear to my heart.

Adorable. R’s dad is the epitome of a proud father. How do I feel about Ali and Roberto “teaming up” for a business venture? I think it was a smart choice of words considering they were seated in front of a hall of Roberto sports fame. R wants to propose and wants his parents’ blessing. My. Heart. Melted.

Ali: “He’s always been the guy I thought I could be with and end up with in the end.”
It’s clear she is the most physically attracted to Roberto and her tomboy-hood feels most comfortable with him. And then, as Roberto said in his convo with Mami, there’s that “feeling.” I see potential.

C is for Chris
Chris has never been more attractive. I think he will benefit the most by the hometown. He’s been the most awkward of the four remaining. Ali is good with C’s dog. She doesn’t care about getting her boots all sandy. And C never disappoints on the entertainment front with the whales having sex comment. Thanks goes to you, C.

The role-playing on the porch was hilarious. C and Ali took huge steps forward this afternoon. I’m still holding on to the Chris as Bachelor prediction, but he’s trying hard to prove me wrong. But I still can’t get over the eat-her-face kissing. Must improve.

I am offering myself as the executive producer, or maybe just the publicist, for the new ABC dating show for C’s dad. I love this family. Maybe one day I’ll come up with my own family slogan, but for now I’ll stick with “Love is the only reality.” I think I’ll put it on a bracelet. Great, original ideas. I shall copyright.

And, ABC just ran a fake ID story in prime time television. Love happens in a bar with a fake ID. Now I know why I’m still single. I’ve lost touch with the known ID makers from the high school days... wait. I mean, I’ve never met a fake ID maker. Any volunteers out there? Anyone? Bueller? Oh, you don’t need a fake ID at 25? Oh, single Mormons usually don’t meet other single Mormons in bars? There goes my chance.

C: “I want her to not just pick me, but fall for me.”
That might be the best line delivered on Bachelor/Bachelorette history. Try to defy me. Try. Do it. I still win.


K is for Kirk
Kirk: “Well, here we go.” ‘Nuff said.

Holy Cow tracker: Twice. In 30 seconds. Welcome to the land of cheese (and the “holy cows” that make it).

The editing on this segment was fantastic. It appeared as if the first thing Father of K said was the creepy, “Hey Ali, do you want to see my basement?” I’m glad he spins his work as “bringing animals back to life.” I think he may have a future in the PR business. Then again, maybe not. Please, no. I have respect for my industry of choice. Dead animals next to frozen snacks is a deal breaker. Done-zo. Game over. Gross.

The day went well, Dad got less crazy, K talking to his little sister was adorable. Ali’s time with K’s mom was a bit unremarkable. Cute, but unremarkable. Are my opinions being colored by my prediction that he’s going home tonight? Yes. Most definitely. But Ali doesn’t light up the same way, isn’t giddy the same way. And she likes giddy. Love likes lights. Bye, K.

F is for Frank
With his love insecurities, F could be any Mormon guy.

“Is what I have the forever type thing, or is it just another amazing relationship that ultimately we decide, this might not be the best?”

The what if attitude. The possibility of something better attitude. The looking to the future with uncertainty attitude. All male Mormon characteristics. Not the most redeeming quality. I’m kind of over F…

That said, I’m glad to see that despite being back to a full closet of clothing choices F insists on wearing his same green jacket and brown sweater. Continuity is great, right? Right?

Pleasantly, F is back to being sarcastic and funny. So much better than Brooding Frank. He doesn’t need to come back, but I’m thinking he makes an extended appearance in Tahiti.

Ali: “I would do anything to be with the (sideward glance toward the house in which F is sitting) the right person.”
Yes, she likes F. A lot. I feel like she wants F’s mom’s approval more than any other parent. She is afraid of losing him and getting hurt by him. With the exception of R’s hotness – and let’s be honest, that is a bit over-the-top – she hasn’t expressed this fear with the other guys. That tells me she is most vulnerable with F because she likes him the most. Cue the Tahiti previews (in my head). Argh.

And, sigh, we see Chris Harrison. Always a bright spot. The biggest believer in the Bachelor franchise and the closest set of eyes to the train wreck. Not sure how that works, but it fascinates and happy-ates me nonetheless.

Water works! Chris Harrison just has that kind of an effect of people.

I feel like the only drama is the order in which the names will be called. Cue K’s death stare. At least it’s the last time we’ll see it. Here’s my vote:
R
C
F

And I’m 1 for 1. R is called first.
And I’m 2 for 2. C is called second.
And I’m 3 for 3. K is sporting the (unbecoming) death stare.
And I’m 4 for 4. F is the final name called.

In a moment of pure articulation rivaled only by my sentiments after a playoff soccer loss, K says “This sucks.” K, just wait for my mom to tell you that you’re in big trouble. But I agree, sometimes there’s no better way to say it. Some things just suck!

Be excited to hear a developing theory I’m working on. I feel it might be better suited for next week’s “dramatic” episode. Be. Sincerely. Excited. With really low expectations, please! ☺

The Bachelorette 7/5

The Bacheloretttttttttttte! I’m so excited. Maybe being with Jenny all weekend talking about the comedy that is the Bachelorette got me more excited than normal.

Before we begin, let me thank ABC for the best comedy show on television. And now, you’re going to give me The Bachelor Pad. Joyful. I’m smiling. Now, let’s go. Brace yourselves, this is going to be a long one…

I want to go to Portugal. I speak Pork-a-cheese. Ergo, I need to go to Portugal. Maybe I can find love there, too. If it’s all in a name, from one Ali to another…

Oh wow, Ali just butchered the Pork-a-cheese. Ugly. All she tried to say is welcome to Portugal. Does Roberto pick up on that? Is that a turn off. Ugh.

Roberto. Sucks. At. Taking. Pictures.

“Worse photographer ever.” Yes, Roberto you are. But you have so many other things going for you.

And, I love this date. It’s real. It’s what non-show people would do. Then, they dance in the street. Oh those Latin boys. Where do I get me one? Brasilian? Please?

“You’re a mystery to me a little bit right now.” So instead of letting him talk, I’m just going to kiss you. Hey, If I was staring at those dimples I would find it hard to resist, too.

But I like Roberto. Probably because he is one of the few guys on this show who is less feminine than I am. Good. News. But I like what bro-in-law Jer said, too. Roberto is the only guy who won’t feel like a total idiot watching this season back. He hasn’t said anything ridiculous on camera. He is a dude. Who likes a girl. Props.

2-on-1 date. Chris was so smug about not getting the two-on-one. He is reading that card with the happiest heart thinking… wow- sucks to be you guys!

Let the awkwardness begin. Two-on-ones are BRUTAL.

This is the second two-on-one in which she’s taken a helicopter. I’m a little sad this trip won’t end with Mr. “guard and protect your heart” abandoned on a glacier. Ahh, nuts. Kasey, how we miss you.

“It tickles me to death.” Oh Ty, how far away from the South we are. “It tickles you.” I don’t know if that was sincere or patronizing. Jury’s still out.

“My smiling face and funny demeanor.” Chris L. is fantastic – such a bundle of entertainment.

Frank made such a big deal out of living with his parents! I love how he segwayed (I might have made that word up) into it: “One thing that has brought us even closer together…” HILARIOUS!

Small observation – Ali leans into her kisses with Frank like she doesn’t lean in with any of the other guys. Another observation – I freaking LOVE how Ali is slouched and boyish in her interview. Epic Episode.

I never saw it coming… Ali and her date end up at a castle. Really? How unique. There’s apparently nothing else in Portugal other than old castles. In reality, these palaces, as Kirk likes to call them, are the only attractions ABC could get for free. Hey, it’s a tough economy. Ad dollars are down. We all need to cut somewhere.

It’s at about this point in the episode that I wish I had a counter for a certain catch phrase. Tonight, I wish I had counted all the “I just have a lot on my mind” mentions tonight. All you left-coasters, maybe run a tally and send me the final numbers? Thanks, I appreciate it.

Elated. That’s a good word.

“I can’t be the dude that killed the Bachelorette; that wouldn’t look good.” Well said, Chris. Well said.

“Chris is going pretty slow on the scooter. Kind of like our relationship.” Wow, Ali. Now take the driver’s seat and take off. Chris is a “Yes Dear” man. And it works.

My vote is still on Chris for the next Bachelor. My predictions haven’t gone wrong yet – stay on this bandwagon with me.

“We finally have been able to pick up the speed.” Ali just can’t let go of this moped analogy. Come on Ali, get a little more creative here.

Let me jus say it, Chris is an awful conversationalist. Ali is always searching. He answers yes, no, or the far more intelligent, “Oh ya. Ya, ya. G-- ya.” Such great fodder for love.

And, he is the worst kisser in the world. So painful to watch. Maybe I want to renig (did I make that on up, too?) my Bachelor call. A whole season of this face eating? Eek.

“You make me feel all warm inside.” No, Chris, that’s the copious amounts of wine you drank.

Rose ceremony…

I really like Ali’s dress. It seems so Portugal.

Why can’t Chris just wear a suit? At least he has all-black shoes on. And Ty is pointed out in a ballet stance. Hi-Larious.

Kirk is still giving the death stare from last week. It’s back and it’s definitely not his best look. And he’s the last name called again. Not boding well for his hometown date!

Did Ty just call Ali letting him go a fault? “You had your faults and you have the reason that you do what you did.” That was an interesting choice of words.

And, in case you forgot, let me remind you all that the final four that I called THE FIRST NIGHT is still in tact. Yes, call me a Bachelorette ringer. Maybe I should be a bookie. But seriously, can we take a moment to commemorate this?

Now we have Jake and Vienna in a “hopeful attempt to find closure.” Hope is fleeting, apparently. We are about to witness in 40 minutes what all of America saw coming. Am I the only one who was NOT surprised? At all?

Childish. Petty. Selfish. Dysfunctional.

“You are a fame whore.” Truer and more hypocritical words have never been spoken.

Highlight? “We don’t care about the dog.” You’ve never been more correct, Chris.

I appreciate you being here tonight… and fulfilling your contract.

‘It is what it is.” Couldn’t have said it better myself, Chris!

A glimpse ahead to the hometown dates –
With all the plaid Kirk has been wearing, it’s no wonder his dad’s shed is full of dead animals. Imagination? Not needed. At all. So much to look forward to!

Roberto in a uniform. Yum.

Chris and Ali appearing to have romantic chemistry. This is a step in the right direction.

And Frank going to see his ex-girlfriend. And the demise of the cute “connection” with Ali.

Best two hours of television EVER. Well, at least since last Monday when Justin was hobbling around…

“Justin you’re going to regret this.”
“You’re going to regret this Justin.”

I don’t regret these two hours I just spent watching this show. And typing all of this. Hope you don’t regret reading this.